Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
You Might Also Like
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
A leaf blower, but for people.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.