[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
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I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.