If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
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That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
incredible text to wake up to
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.