ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
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Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.