My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
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Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”