“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Friday
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?