*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My teenage children choosing violence
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Monday Lisa
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Breaking news:
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.