Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
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Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
lol
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”