[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
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LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses