At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
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No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Breaking news:
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.