When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
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Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Confused owl: What?!
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.