How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
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I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions