Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
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I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
This could’ve been an email.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo