*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
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one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
January has been Januweary
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”