Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
You Might Also Like
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Home is where your toilet is.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.