All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
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Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA