I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
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Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
My last name is Zilla.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I know karate and tons of other words.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.