My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
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doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me, reading some of your tweets
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.