wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
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Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I would like even faster food.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place