Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
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Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.