Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
See..?
.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.