“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
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Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Best misinterpreted text ever!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.