people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
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God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
We need more people like this.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit