*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
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Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Cheers Twitter.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?