“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
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Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.