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Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.