boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.