I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
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Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
*Inspirational Tweets*
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.