*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
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Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
A game married people play.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
This one’s “Alex”.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.