Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
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If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
a god among men
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.