Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
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good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Yoga Matt
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
The Compass
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive