[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
You Might Also Like
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Well, shit
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”