How and why my FUR ROOM exists
You Might Also Like
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.