Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
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What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.