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The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.