Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
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It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.