Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
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Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
If snakes were wide
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.