If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
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Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything