I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
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[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
when there are deer in the woods
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.