Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
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Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”