How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
You Might Also Like
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?