Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
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The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Lmfaoooooo
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.