Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
This is a whole mood;
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍