Meow?
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*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English