*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
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My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord