On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
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I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins