the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
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lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I’M CRYINGGG
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.