to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
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“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
The “baby” on the left….
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Trumpy Cat
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.