Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
My favorite female superhero
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.