My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
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Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
i choose….tongue
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
😅🤣😂
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder